My husband has a recurrent nightmare.

The dream is that he is standing on the first tee on an unidentified golf course , and he knows that he is about to play in a big competition. His partners in the three-ball are Arnold Palmer and Jack Niklaus. The day is fine, the spectators expectant. It is his honour on the tee. The nightmare is that while everyone else has the latest top flight golf balls, he is having to play with a cold roast potato.

I have a nightmare...... I am in his nightmare - but after the match - and I have to sit there while, in answer to the general pleasantry "How did you go?" - they all, in turn, start... "Well, ...on the First, I hooked my drive into that clump of grass, and then I took a six-iron, but the wind was right to left, and I must have shifted my weight slightly and then..........."

All of them.....through 18 holes...while the yawns back up behind the glazing eyes, the brain freezes over, and the overwhelming urge to scream becomes unbearable. Not even Niklaus and Palmer can dampen the hysteria that rises at the prospect of having to endure eighteen holes of retrospective missed shots, superb putts and ace gamesmanship.. (possibly just tolerable from Seve Ballesteros..but it would be a close call.) It vividly illustrates the expression "You had to be there....."

As you weren't, it is Hell.

Having a Golf Impaired Partner is a cross many people have to bear. And one which is usually thrust upon them. Unless masochism rates high on their pleasure scale.

I like this term better than "Golf Widow", because Widows have a certain freedom to be "merry" in a fashion not always available to those with the GIPs. I 'm sure that most GIPs owners are women, not for sexist reasons, but on a purely practical level ( and speaking from experience) I don't believe that there are many men humping the kids and weekend shopping round the supermarket, while their wives are having 18 holes with their friends. Call me cynical if you will .

Of course, GIP owners can always adopt the If-You-Cant-Beat-'em-Join-em option. Most will no doubt give it a whirl for a while. However, there are certain obstacles which will either make the GIP-ee more determined , or think "Sod it".

First - you must both be free at the same time. Second - that has to be a time at which the golf club rules (man made) will allow you both to play together. This usually rules out Saturday or Sunday early mornings - the most convenient times.
Third - if you can find a suitable time, you will probably need two cars. As you can't play early on weekends then, unless you are both retired, the chances of you both coming from the same place later in the day are not high (unless you work together of course). Fourth and most important- you should be aware that playing golf together is the equivalent of getting driving lessons from a spouse, and fraught with the same opportunities for ill-temper - but with the added danger of both sides having a bag full of potential weapons.

So, my advice to GIPs owners is - certainly learn the game. It can be lovely on a nice day and actually is an enjoyable way to have a stroll in nice surroundings - BUT make sure you get yourself a congenial playing partner who doesn't flare his/her nostrils and grit teeth with ferocious competitive zeal whenever you hit a reasonable shot.

Get yourself a cat/dog/budgie/PC for company and realise that as your partner is gone at the crack of dawn at the weekends, you can lie there with all the bed to yourself until whenever you like. (Well, you can until you have kids). So what if your children may have to be induced on a Friday, so the birth won't interfere with the monthly medal at the weekend. So what if all his jumpers have diamond patterns on them. So what, if he plays golf in his dreams, and leaps from the bed each time he hits a drive. So what if the kids think that this is his JOB!. (Unless of course, it is)

Just remember that at least you can be thankful that your partner has got an obsession that gives exercise, a certain amount of mental discipline, and that you know where he is. (And, hopefully, with whom). Ignore the people that think you are a one-parent family. Give the kids golf lessons, and maybe they will become professionals and keep you in style in your old age.

(c) Thelma Mitchell 1995, 2002